Dr. Veronica Anderson, Host, Functional Medicine Specialist and Medical Intuitive interviews Emily Filoramo about Erasing Your Fears, Negative Self-Talk and Insecurities.
What does it take to erase your fears, negative self-talk and insecurities? Self-Leadership Expert, Trainer and Transformational Executive Coach, Emily Filoramo, mentors leaders and teams to master the inner game of success, leadership and life, utilizing Internal Family Systems evidence-based, proven model of accelerated self-awareness and personal growth. Her combination of challenging life experiences, 27-year pharmaceutical career, holistic nutrition expertise and passion in peak performance psychology, gives her a unique platform to help you soar to greatness from the inside-out.
In this episode, Emily will talk about why she left the pharmaceutical industry, negative talk in Asian communities and how you can heal spiritual, emotional and physical issues. She will also talk about improving intimacy and love in relationships, recognizing a blessing in disguise and overcoming tragic experiences. Listen to the end to learn how you can help yourself and determine the root cause of illness and injury.
Dr. Veronica Anderson's Links
Emily How to permanently erase self-talk: http://amzn.to/2oYGiXk
03:30 - Why Emily left the pharmaceutical business
06:45 - Embarking on your spiritual journey
11:45 - Negative self-talk in Asian communities
21:20 - Healing spiritual, emotional and physical issues
22:00 - Intimacy and love in relationships
30:00 - Recognizing a blessing in disguise
36:30 - Overcoming tragic experiences
41:30 - Can you help yourself?
44:30 - The root cause of illness & injury
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Do you want to regain your health? Visit: http://drveronica.com/
Female VO: Welcome to the Wellness Revolution Podcast, the radio show all about wellness in your mind, body, spirit, personal growth, sex, and relationships. Stay tuned for weekly interviews featuring guests that have achieved physical, mental, and spiritual health in their lives.
If you'd like to have access to our entire back catalog visit drveronica.com for instant access. Here's your host, Dr. Veronica.
Dr. Veronica: Welcome to another episode of Dr. Veronica's Wellness Revolution. Today we're going to talk about how you talk, how you speak, and how it affects your life. As a wellness coach, I started my life as a doctor but now I coach because it's more effective. I realized people that are going to make or break them and one is how they talk about themselves and what they're doing or going to do.
One of the words I give people, "Here's what you're going to go out and do next week." And they say, "Okay, I'll try." And then I say, "Wait, no. Banish that word, try." When you try to do something it means that you're never going to get there. You're never going to do it. You'll always be trying but you won't be succeeding. No, you're going to do.
And so for a lot of times... You guys hear Artemis back in the background. Of course you know. This [Unintelligible 00:01:34]. But you realize that with people you want them to do. And so one of the tasks that I work on with people is them changing their languaging, about themselves, about what they are doing or going to do.
And so my guest here, Emily Filloramo, bemoreextraordinary.com, was in pharmaceutical sales for many years, left, switched gears. Neurolinguistic program, this is what we're talking about. Try and can, the negative self-talk that make it. But you learn this somewhere. And so we're going to talk today because in transforming your health you have to have it up here. Then you have to speak it and everything can change. It's not all about diet, supplements, and exercise.
It's also about getting your mind and your spirit and emotions. So you guys know that that's what I'm going to tell you about because there are millions of people out there telling you what diet to go on, what to eat, and pushing and peddling your product. I want to tell you what the secret sauce is.
Today I have with me Emily Filloramo, bemoreextraordinary.com. She also has a book, How to Permanently Erase Negative Self-Talk: So You Can Be Extraordinary. Welcome to Dr. Veronica's Wellness Revolution. Let's start by saying you're in pharmaceutical sales, a beautiful, comfortable job that people aspire to. You get your car, you get the free lunches, you get the wine and dine people, it pays really well. You get the bennies going on. And you know it's so hard to get benefits these days. But some of the best ways to get taken care of is to push drugs, be a drug pusher for a pharmaceutical company. So what made you switch?
Emily: I switched because I was laid off after 27 years back in 2011. I was almost ready to retire. Another couple of years I could've gotten a big, fat pension because I had started when I was so young. And so the universe had orchestrated that 2x4 to be hit. And it was pretty painful because I had a kid. He was a freshman in college. I have three years of private college tuition left to pay so it's 180,000. And here I am I don't have my six figure job anymore.
Anyhow, I dug in and I got the courage to jump off the cliff into the entrepreneurial journey. And eventually I found my spiritual calling, as a transformational magician and leadership coach. And so I launched as a nutritionist first because that's what I studied at Cornell. Made sense, right?
What I found is that I didn't like coaching people how to eat their green beans, drink their green smoothies because they did well when they were with me but afterwards they fell off the wagon. And that's why 95% of dieters keep failing and gain all their weight back because I recognized they were not addressing the real emotional burns that they were carrying, the I'm not worthy, I'm not enough.
And so because they didn't believe in themselves that's what was holding them back from actually sustaining the healthy habits. And so even if when you say I try, the patients say I try, they try because there's a part of them that doesn't believe that they actually deserve to be that rocking trim, healthy, and someone that deserves for everybody to turn their head and look at them.
And so because it's all the old shame... we all have old shame that we're holding on to that has us believe that we don't deserve to be in the spotlight. Because our deepest fear is our light, not our darkness. And that's what drives people so self-sabotage in health, in career, in relationships, in everything that we do. And so I ended up in the training, linguistics programming but I found that that was not enough to get to real issues.
And so low and behold the universe orchestrated me ending up in this training called internal family systems. It's a general physician. We all got evidence based, internal family systems, IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwarz, is an evidence based modality of permanent emotional healing. It's the fastest path to becoming aware of who you are. And it's the fastest path to really living as your authentic self and unleashing the most extraordinary version of who you are. Men or women you've always dreamed of becoming.
And just unleashing to the next level and whatever it is that you want to do with your life, getting spirit-led center and finding your true calling. And living life with joy on the journey to really leaving your legacy. And so that is power.
Dr. Veronica: One thing that I'm noticing is a lot of us who have been in, let's say traditional, beautiful, successful careers are now moving out of those stable places to be able to go on and help people on the spiritual journey. Why do you think that is? What do you think is going on here?
Emily: Especially with success driven people who lived life as they were supposed to. You do great in school. Yeah, I know. Go to college, or maybe you were told by your mom and dad you got to be a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer. Be an artist, no, shut that part of you off.
So you do what you're supposed to do. You live through this mask, this persona that you've erected of how you're supposed to show up so you get accepted by people. And so you go on this rat race. You make good money, have the kids, buy the house, whatever it is that you're supposed to do to look like you're successful. Then usually in mid-life, especially people in their 40's is like, "This is all there is? How come I'm not happy despite the money, status, and stuff? Who am I? Why am I here on this earth? I know I'm a good doctor and a lot of physicians I used to call on, but this is just a rat race."
Dr. Veronica: It's funny for me. I feel like it was a year in practice that I started my own from patient zero that I knew this ain't it. Then I became more and more miserable and depressed because I had no idea how to get out of it at that point in addition to thinking that, oh my god, I spent so many years to get here. I spent so many years to get here and now I can't stand it. What am I going to do? In addition too, because in our culture and society people are just so sick nobody's going to help you get out because they want you as their doctor.
Emily: And I think the other frustration that a lot of physicians used to share with me is I give them these tools. The same old song and dance, you got to eat right, you got to exercise, move your body. And so these patients try and they don't succeed. Because they want to just stay in the darkness because... Oh my god, I just had a conversation the other day with a new client and she says, "Oh my god, who am I if I showed up in my thousand watt light? I've never shown up in that way." And so it's scary.
You need to do the emotional healing work. Because what happens is we're so off from center because we don't have the right story in our head. So maybe there are physicians that could stay in medicine. But when you do so many inner works understand who you are and what drove you to overachieve. A lot of that over achievement can be due to... you were the smartest kid in class and the bullies all make fun of you for wearing pocket protectors or whatnot. And it's like, "I'll show them."
So we don't even know we have that story going on in our head. And then just the pressure from mom and dad. They want... It's only the way I'm going to get approval is if I get an MD, or JD, or MBA after my name. So you keep seeking validation from the outside. Because when you were young stuff happened at school or at home where you felt neglected, when you felt like you didn't belong.
I had a physician that I worked with and this is one of his most traumatic moments. When he was in second or third grade he had to smell the feet of the bully on the school bus. Just imagine how humiliating that is. And the kids also shoved him down the sewer when he was in first grade.
And so he had all of these. He had great parents but he had all these bad incidences from the bullies and made him believe, took on the belief, "I am not enough. I'm not lovable. Look at what they did to me. I am ashamed." He was also a minority so you felt like I didn't belong and that's why they're discriminating.
And so that drove him to succeed and become a doctor and whatnot. Yeah, over achievement but now he is sabotaging his relationships. He's a very handsome man and he always had trouble with... Logically he knows he's handsome, but every time he sees a beautiful woman at the bar or at some party or whatever he's so afraid to approach her because of that little boy that was in the sewer. That little boy that was on the school bus believing that he is worthless.
So that little voice is like, "Why would she want to go out with me?" The logical brain says, "Of course she wants to go out with you. You're successful, you're a doctor." But that little boy inside of him is like, "No, you don't deserve her." And even if he did get her to go out he'll sabotage it.
Dr. Veronica: Let's break some ground here. Because we both talk to all kinds of audiences. But I want to break a little ground here because there are some subject matter that people just gloss over and they don't talk about it. And if we don't start talking about these cultural identities we're never going to get people well.
And so we are sitting here, you're an Asian woman, I'm an African American. First we got the woman thing going on but then we have the not from the European culture thing going on. Where do you think that plays a role? Let's talk a little bit about that. As an Asian woman where were you. Because I know there was self-talk and I have plenty of Asian friends who tell me what was going on in their family.
And I look at Asian people and say, "You guys start out with an A because everybody expects you to have the A. And then you have to knock yourselves down in grades. You start out with the A. But as a black person you start out with an F and then you got to work yourself up to the whatever.
But there's all kinds of positive and negative things going on in this and I know there's plenty of people who watch you and or watch me because I'm an African American woman, or because you're an Asian woman. They're going to listen to what you have to say.
First, speak to your Asian brothers and sisters and let everybody else know a little bit about what's going on with the negative self-talk in the Asian community. And I know it's not monolithic. I understand that. When people are looking from the outside they tend to lump in. And this is one of our problems, we're not educated. But there's some Asian personas that from having friends that are Japanese, Korean, Filipino, Taiwanese, all the different areas. I've seen some similarities in the way the families operate. Talk about that and the negative self-talk.
Emily: Yes. I'm an immigrant. I came here when I was nine.
Dr. Veronica: I'm still listening, but keep talking.
Emily: Okay. I came here when I was nine years old and without a word of English. And so I was trying to assimilate in Los Angeles which was not so traumatic. What became traumatic was when the family moved to New York in the middle of junior high, in the middle of the school year. And we ended up living in a two bedroom, non-air conditioned, third floor walkup for six people, four kids and two parents, one bathroom. And so it was not fun.
I just felt so ashamed for having to live that way. We were one of the poorest kids on the block. And so the first neighborhood that we lived in there were a lot of African Americans in the school and I was teased a lot for being Asian. I was called all sorts of discriminatory names. And I didn't share those with my parents.
My parents was toxicity at home with the way my father was emotionally abusing my mother, belittling her. And just witnessing that was horrible. And so I didn't feel the love at home because there was no love between them. So they didn't know how to show up as parents. And so I had to break up their fights and stuff, so I had bad trauma.
And then I have all the trauma of the stuff that I experienced at school where I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I'm wearing hand me down clothing. Nothing matches. I needed braces. I felt ugly." And so that shame kept going on because we had moved again in the middle of the school year and I didn't feel like I fitted in. We were living amongst a lot of Jewish and Italian families in bay side Queens way back in the 70's. There weren't a lot of Asians. Again, I felt different.
Dr. Veronica: It's interesting because Queens now is like little Asia.
Emily: Yes. I know. And so the point is however we grow up, because when we feel different that's when we take on the beliefs of I don't fit in. And so I always felt ashamed about my Asian-nes because I was never accepted as an Asian.
And I had an incident where I was at the home of a Jewish boy working on a project, somebody that I had a crush on. And his mother comes home and just says to him, "Take her home please. She doesn't need to come here and do this project with you." It was just the way that she said and I remembered just being frozen. It's like, "Oh my god, here I am being discriminated against." So all of that toxicity at home and then the stuff that I was feeling at school, it drove my overachievement gene, because I said, "I got to get out of here." I am never coming back home.
Fortunately, I got into Cornell, got into a good school, but at Cornell the discrimination continued. I was in the fraternity parties and the frat boys I was overhearing them saying, "You got to go ask that chink to dance with you." The names that I was called it was horrifying.
I kind of shoved all of that shame under the rug and I was fortunate that I was able to get a great job. Eight months out of college I started working for Pfizer, got out on my own. And because I was now making money I wasn't poor anymore, I decorated myself in designer clothing. I made sure I looked perfect to just make sure nobody knew who that Emily was underneath all of this package of perfection.
And there's a saying that perfectionism is just shame wrapped up in a pretty little box. And that's what I was hiding. And so I met my husband, got married, had a kid, and all that other kind of stuff. I have another trauma which is when I was five months pregnant. My husband suffered a heart attack. He was only 38, I was 29. That's a whole another side of the story.
He's alive today. He's doing well. But for 15 years I had to deal with raising a kid and trying to figure out is his next shoe going to drop. When is he going to die? He's gone through a couple of angioplasties, quadruple bypass surgery, all that stuff.
I was frozen. I lived a numbed out life. I was like, "Okay, just keep making money. You got health insurance and just do what you're supposed to do. Go out on a nice vacation." But then at the end of the day I really wasn't addressing the fact that I really wasn't satisfied. I was doing my job in my sleep but I knew that there was more of me that could be unleashed, I just didn't know what that was going to look like. And I wasn't going to worry about it until I retired. The universe had a different game plan.
In 2011 that's when they decided, okay, it's time to lay you off and to wake you up. And so on this entrepreneurial journey is where I found my joy. Even though it's extremely hard. I've hit many speed bumps, got into very stinky potholes, gotten stuck there. The rest of my emotional karma stuff that wasn't worked on had to be worked out.
And so the reason why I gained this courage and fearlessness to go on the entrepreneurial journey was because 10 years prior, in my 40, I'm 54 now. In my 40's all of the emotional baggage that I've never addressed kind of came to the surface and I ended up in a depression and anxiety state for a year. It was triggered by a situation at work which led me to address all of the anger and range that I had towards my father for the way he treated my mother. The anger and rage for him being so afraid and not being able to support the family in a way where I could at least had clothing that made me feel like I fit in with the group. The anger and rage of not being able to afford braces for me to feel like I look normal. And I also addressed all of the shame of being Asian that I had to address.
Initially I had gone to a hypnotist to heal and I had to go back and access these young parts of me, including the part of me that was growing inside of my mother's womb. I was the oldest of four kids. What's interesting is looking at the picture, my mother being pregnant with me I knew right then and there that fetus, she was praying for me to be a boy. Because my grandmother used to say to my mother all the time, keep getting pregnant until you produce sons.
As a fetus that's growing we pick up on all those energy. I knew that I was a worthless human being from the very get go. So it was me, my sister, and my two brothers. And even when my grandfather died he only asked for my brothers to go back to Taiwan. And he didn't ask for me and my sister. It's just all the cultural burdens. It's not their fault. They were downloading these beliefs and programming it to us. It's a legacy part that we have to release. It's not my parents' fault that they were fighting with each other or they couldn't be present for me. It's because they are wounded. They didn't do the healing.
So when we do our healing that's when we forgive all of the people that have hurt us. And we forgive ourselves. And so I had to do all these healing, repairing all these young parts of me that didn't feel... Because when you're experiencing that kind of trauma. You take on the beliefs that I must not be worthy. I must not be lovable. I must not be enough. That's why I get discriminated against, that's why I get made fun of.
And what happens is there's parts of you that go into overdrive to try to overcompensate, so the overachievement gene. You're overachievement to try to show that you are worthy. So my drive to make money to make myself look good. Now we're doing it for the wrong reasons and that's why it will come back to haunt you especially in midlife.
Dr. Veronica: Some of these issues that are societal and cultural don't necessarily go away. But there are people who end up thriving because they heal from them. And people who are hurting with spiritual, emotional, and physical issues want to know how to heal. So you talk about this negative self-talk and how to be extraordinary. And you specifically talk a lot about people attracting love into their lives and why they cannot attract love into their lives.
I deal with people like this all the time and one of their biggest sources of pain is they don't have a life partner. And so you talk about, "Hey, this is what you're doing wrong. Here's how you shifted." Talk a little bit about what people attract in their life. Because people just feel like, "I always get the bad guys or I never get the bad guys."
We're in a culture now as African American women, we feel like we're the last chosen. I look at Asian women, I think, those are the pretty dolls that everybody wants. Everybody wants an Asian woman. Which I think is a burden to be thought of like that of course. On the other side when you're put up on that pedestal and everybody wants you and they're going to take care of you that's different than being from a group of women where you feel like you're the last chosen all the time.
Emily: Yeah. I find that fascinating. Knowing how I grew up, like, "Why would they want me? Here I am, the Asian that nobody wanted." And now all of a sudden all these men...
Dr. Veronica: Everybody thinks you're hot.
Emily: Why didn't they think I was hot when I was growing up? Wayne Dyer famously said you will not attract what you want into your life, you will attract who you are. So if you're attracting the same losers over and over again it's because it's a reflection of who you feel you are on the inside. So if you don't think you're worthy that's the energy that gets transmitted. And if you're addicted to stuff you're going to attract another addict. If you're so used to watching your dad beat the heck out of your mom or vice versa then that's a familiar energy. So you're going to attract that energy because that little girl inside of you who has not been healed is attracted to the little boy inside of him that has not been healed, so it's familiar.
The goal of a love relationship is for us to finish childhood. And that is why we are attracted to the people. There's one group of people that is attracted to the people with the positive and the negative qualities of the people that hurt us in the past. "Oh my gosh, no wonder I'm attracted to my father, or my mother, whatever," that's one group of people. And then another group of people is because they experience so much pain they end up attracting somebody's who's safe, who they don't go through the emotional ups and downs with. And they just live life more or less like roommates.
So absolute joy and love relationship is not going to happen without absolute depth of pain. Because the pain when you're triggering each other, you can't get along. But there's a part of you that's like, "But why am I so magnetically attracted to him?" It's because he is reminding you of somebody from the past that you have unfinished business with.
And when you recognize that and say, "Okay, he yelled at me for the way I emptied the dishwasher." I know this is not life or death but there was a part of him that reminded him of sloppily you emptied the dishwasher. Nothing is lined up directly in the cupboards. That's like a part of him that needs order and detail. And it's because it's a part of him from the past that is reminding him of the order and detail that mom used to have or whatever. Mom used to yell at him for not having things in order. So now he's trying to re-live that life through the partner and he's nitpicking on every little thing.
Dr. Veronica: Turn that around just a little bit because there are people who are watching where they've been through the trauma and they get it why they were attracted to that partner that's not serving them well now. But on the other side there's people who are in relationships that seem to be doing well and it seems to be working. What's going on there?
Emily: Relationships that seem to be working, you do have to eventually do... If you really want mind blowing, emotionally intimate relationships you have to work on yourself individually, and you have to work on couple relationship. Because you have to recognize that the stuff that pushes your buttons, the triggers, it's all a gift for you to grow intimately closer. And you have to recognize that when there's that angry edge that comes out it's not really anger towards you, it's really anger towards himself and towards somebody in the past.
Maybe he's so angry at the fact that you don't keep things in a neat way. Because it's really residual anger and rage towards his mother for making him do things just so. And so it's that residual anger that's coming out when he's sees that you're not really behaving in the right way.
When you recognize that that's where it's from this is when you... let's say you're the female partner, you could say, "Hey Dan, can this part of you that is so neurotic about order, can that part of you just chill out a little bit? I just need a little bit space here. What does it need from me in order for this part of you to relax?"
Essentially now there's three people in the conversation. It's yourself, the husband, and then the part of the husband that has his need for order. So you're not blaming him, you are saying this is this part of you that is showing up in this relationship. "Now, you're reminding me of my father the way he used to scold me of how sloppy I was." And it just goes back and forth.
When you both recognize it that is where the true healing can take place, to say, "Hey Dan, let me hold your hand. Just let this part of you know that I'm going to do my best to make it a little bit neater the next time. And if you could just relax. Nothing bad's going to happen if the dishes aren't quite stacked up in an orderly way."
And so that's when intimacy happens. And so you need a tool set to understand, you're going through the doorway for Dan, this part of him that is neurotic about order. You get to know this part of him. Sometimes he gets to know this part. You kind of separate out. Maybe you use a glass, maybe the image comes out as the soldier or whatever.
We have these little sub personalities inside of our minds, of these parts of us that are kind of running our show, the voices inside of our head. And you have to separate out from that part and get to know the job of this part that's neurotic about order. What's its job? It's job is to make sure everything's in order. It's just job is to make sure that you are seen as somebody who's neat. It'll keep telling you the story. And you ask it, what is it afraid of if it doesn't do its job of keeping things in order? It's afraid that things are going to fall apart. It's afraid that people are going to judge you. It's afraid that you're going to get criticized. It's afraid that you're going to fail if things aren't in order.
And so you peel back the layers. And then once this part tells you its story of why it keeps in this neurotic state then it will show you then who's the vulnerable child inside of you that this part is protecting. He says, "It's that seven year old part of me that is just crying in the closet after mom yelled at me for not lining my books up in the right way."
Dr. Veronica: I get what you're saying, but there's all these buttons that have been pushed, starting from even before we're born. You're telling about things that were happening and you're parents and their thought process before you were even born. How do we incorporate that in to make it from a harming experience to a, this is one of the biggest blessings that I realized it is.
I can see things. I'm intuitive and so things flash in and I understand them on a different level more now. I see things that happen when I was young and I realized, "That's why I'm not so happy with the way my body looks in this particular situation." You can know what that is. I've been made the way I am. I love me the way I am. But what do you do when there's the negative signals coming from all over the place.
And so as I'm saying, hey, you're saying, "People think I'm hot?" You were getting a signal that has been a positive signal. But for a lot of people they've been getting those negative signals. A lot of people that I work with they're overweight. And they're like, "I've always been a fat kid." And they had that negative story that's been going on and they still have it and the society at a whole is going to continue to have that picture.
And so while you're healing from it, while you're getting back your health give us some keys to switching over into that positive wealth of how the healing begins. Because I know once people start embracing these issues the problems they've been dealing with including health problems, they start to heal and go away. And it's miraculous how all of a sudden, "Oh my god, it's easy for me to lose the weight right now," or whatever it is. "My gosh, my blood pressure is lower. My medicine's lower. My cholesterol's lower." That fear, anger, and sadness that they've been holding on as they let go, the health problems go away. But the society hasn't changed. The culture hasn't changed. How do people start to deal with what's going on in the negative out there that they feel is harming but let it go enough so they can heal themselves.
Emily: Yes. And so I started to talk about some of the steps of how you heal, getting to know this part. And so I'm going to describe the typical client that has the fat part. Anybody that's been through a weight struggle has this fat part of me that sabotages. And so maybe this is a good time to mention the gift that I'm going to give them.
Dr. Veronica: Oh please, yes.
Emily: If the audience goes to nonegativetalk.com they could enter their email and get the whole protocol of how to get to know these parts of you that are holding you back. So this way you don't have to keep taking notes. And if we're going all over the place with our conversation you have a protocol to follow.
A typical fat part story. I'm going to tell you a story of a 40-year old woman that I worked with. She had the same 15 pounds that she was gaining and losing over and over again. She was just disgusted. And she's like, "This is not giving me the energy to do what I need to do for the next step of my career because I'm so consumed with food."
And so we got to know this fat part of her. And I said, "When did this fat part of you begin?" She separated out the fat part. It looked like a Michelin... Because we get images of these parts of us. And so she got this part of her that was talking to her, and she says, "Yeah, this part's telling me that it's been my life since third grade." "Okay, what's its job? Keep you fat, keep you..." Because she emotionally ate, and to soothe the emotional pain because it was afraid... it was the fat part. Let's call her Mary. If it didn't keep Mary far what is it afraid is going to happen to Mary if this fat part didn't keep her fat? It said that it's afraid that Mary was going to get teased and criticized. If she got attention from being thin and beautiful it's afraid that she was going to be judged.
And so eventually I said, "Okay. What happened in third grade that had you take on this fat part?" And it brought her to a memory in a third grade classroom when she was just frozen because she has beautiful red hair and she was amongst a sea of brunettes. And so she was constantly teased for her beautiful red hair not only by classmates but by her siblings. That part of her believed that it is not safe to shine because I will be teased.
As she grew older and older, every time she just didn't feel good about herself because this part was getting triggered. She just ate to numb out that pain. And she couldn't figure out why she would lose it. She would work so hard, "Let me go on this exercise plan, this diet plan." And then this fat part will come back and just self-sabotage the whole thing.
Because the fat part's like, "You didn't get to know me. You don't even know why I keep you fat. You hate me. So the more you hate the part of you that holds you back the more it will be like, "Oh yeah, you hate me? Well guess what, I'm not going away. I'm going to keep coming back until you pay attention to me and hear my story.
As she got to know the fears of this fat part, and this fat part said, "I'm protecting that third grade part of you that's still in the classroom being shamed and bullied for having red hear." She had to update this fat part to say, "You're holding me back. I'm 40 years old. I'm trying to feel good about myself so I could have the confidence and the courage to go for this next promotion because right now I don't feel good in my body. And the fat part was like, "Really, you're 40 years old now? You're no longer seven? And I'm holding you back? Oh, wow."
Dr. Veronica: Let me take it up just one notch because we all have our suffering that we go through and some people may be listening and saying, "She got teased because she has red hair." That ain't a big deal. That's really not a big deal. I was sexually abused. I was mentally and emotionally abused. And it continued for years, and years, and years. I went into a relationship and that relationship was abusive. And so red hair, that's easy.
What do you say to those people who've been through really major challenges and difficulties a lot of times at the hands of people that they trusted? What do you say to people like that about...? It's hard to say, "I'm 40 and I got to let it go when it's just..." How do you let go of that to be able to shine and be the best you?
Emily: Yes. You can't just let go and just say, "Okay, I'm not that story anymore. You have to do the healing, especially for these incidences of sexual abuse, verbal abuse, these toxic things. That part of accessing that vulnerable child, that part of the journey, it would be irresponsible for me to say, "You could go and heal this yourself.
You could get to know your fat part. A lot of sexually abused people also have a fat part because it's their insulation against further sexual abuse, which is very understandable. And I've worked many sexual abuse survivors. And so you have to go in through the door way of this protective mechanism, the parts of you that you don't like and that's why you got to get to another story.
And so the sexual abuse part, people have been sexually abused, what I want to share with them is you can permanently get over the shame from being sexually abused. And your whole system has to give you permission through the guide of an expert. You can't do this on your own because you could do further damage to yourself. And if you try to do it on your own without the right tools, there's more and more protectors that are going to be erected to prevent you from actually going there.
And so the whole goal is to get the whole protective system... Think of the protective system as soldiers that are guarding the door to the dungeon that's filed with these pained and shamed parts of you. And so when they give the permission, okay, now that you could hear my story of why I keep you fat, why I keep you procrastinating, why I keep you angry. You hear the story and you get it. And we're ready to transform into a more positive parts.
Let me show you the parts of you that we're protecting in the dungeon. And so they'll guide you. The highest self, all love for yourself, your highest self has the power to rescue that young part of you that's in the dungeon. And you, that young part of you will be looking at you, your 40-year old self. And that young part of you because she was abused.
Nobody was there where she felt safe to tell the whole story. A lot of abusers, they keep all that to themselves. And so when this four year old girl that was abused can safely trust you, the highest self. She tells you her story. She tells you what happened to her. She tells you the burdens that she's been holding on to, burdens of worthlessness. "I'm not lovable. I'm not enough. I'm dirty." And let her flesh all of that out to you.
And then you give her what she needed at that moment of trauma. And you pour all the love, I'll tell her it's not your fault your uncle abused you. He's broken and we have to forgive him. What counts is I love you. You are enough. And that's released as burden, that's like get it out of the body. And people hold it in certain phases. Maybe for sexually abused people they're holding it in their sexual organs and stuff where they're always clammed up when they're intimate with someone.
Whatever it is the highest self can help this young four year old heart to release all the negative energies and the burns that she's been holding on to. And we could get that four year old part unstuck from the past. Let's get you out of that house, out of that bedroom, and let's go into my current home. And let's burn that house down. If she wanted to burn the house down you help her to burn the house down.
And so as you're actually doing this, this is actually rewiring the memories at the cellular level. Untangling the trauma and then... it's called memory reconsolidation where now the new memory of when you think about this four year old part of you that's been abused, now you think about how your higher self just giving her love, and hugs, and say, "I love you. I got you." You're the one that you need in order to heal yourself.
Dr. Veronica: Emily, again, tell people where they can go to get stared with your type of techniques. And before we give that I just got to say to the audience, one thing that Emily said is about you can't do this yourself. Now, in our culture and society everybody's going to Dr. YouTube and getting a degree on the university of Google.
And there's all kinds of "self-help books." But what people who are high performers know, who are in successful in life, who are healthy and happy is you have to have somebody who's an expert to show you the way. It's like when you drive a car. Somebody has to teach you how to drive that car. Would you get into a plane and pilot yourself after you've watched it on YouTube and read it on Google?
So reach out to get help. There are traditional doctors and therapists but how's that been working for you? And then there are people like Emily Filloramo and her main website, bemoreextraordinary.com. But Emily, tell us about where people can get your gift again.
Emily: nonegativetalk.com will give you the protocol. And then if you want to also learn more after you look at this protocol I would recommend that they read my book, How to Permanently Erase Negative Self-Talk. People, they write me letters to say, "I cried during your book because so many of the stories hit home for me." I said, "The first step to change is awareness." And reading my book and understanding the whole landscape of the internal family system model of psychospiritual healing, you're going to understand, "Oh my god, it is not my fault after all that I'm stuck. It's not my fault that I am fat."
Now, do I want to do something about it? That's a whole another phase of change. So sometimes people want to stay stuck in their negative stories because that means you don't have to answer to anything. You don't have to finally show up. And if that's what they choose to do it's their prerogative.
Dr. Veronica: That's where they are. And so we're talking about this for health reasons, why? Because it's just not about diet, exercise, and supplements. It's not just about diet, exercise, and supplements. It's about a lot more than that.
Emily: And what's interesting is when I was going through the training with internal family systems my teachers and professors were saying... since I used to work in the pharmaceutical industry, "Imagine if everybody healed themselves, came home to their true self and felt really good, and forgave everybody, you know what, we would not need the pharmaceutical industry. We would not need the diet industry. And all of this emotional burden stuff would be released. We don't need pills, we don't need diets because it's going to naturally heal our bodies. We will be taking many industries out of the water."
That's how powerful this is. Not that we're going to bankrupt all of these industries in our lifetime because there's just so many layers to this. Because internal family systems is not a pharmaceutical pill that some rep can go and sell to you.
Pills are the easy way to [Unintelligible 00:46:52]. "Okay, I have fibromyalgia, let me take this pill." Fibromyalgia is trying to tell you something. Cancer is trying to tell you something. It is a protector that's saying heal emotionally already. I think you and I both know epigenetics and all that stuff, 80% of diseases are caused by environmental things, things that happen to us, and it's not just genes.
Dr. Veronica: It is not just genes.
Emily: You can't blame it on your genes.
Dr. Veronica: Root cause of every illness and injury is a spiritual and emotional issue which triggers and goes along with those environmental, genetic, and lifestyle factors. But if you don't have the spiritual, emotional issue sitting there in the first place is not going to trigger even the genes. You got the breast cancer gene. You're going to get breast cancer because you have an issue. Live your heart chakra in that energy center.
Emily: Exactly. If you ask most breast cancer patients why they got breast cancer, it's like, "Oh, I stayed in my marriage too long. It's the toxicity for my husband, that's fine.
Emily: Baggage with my father... Your body's always talking to you and you got to do this virtual healing, and yes, spiritual healing is not a pill. And you have to find a practitioner that you resonate with. And so if traditional psychotherapy, self-help programs have not gotten you to the finish line it's because you haven't found the right modality. Traditional psychotherapy can get you stable but really move the needle. You got to do this "clean up duty" with internal family systems.
Most of the people that are training internal family systems are psychotherapists, you could fine someone near you by going to selfleadership.org. You'll get that information or not, When you're down on my e-book. You go to that website to find somebody near you. They may even take your insurance.
And then there's a bunch of us that are trained, that are not therapist that takes internal family systems way beyond psychotherapy to help people unleash extraordinary, to help people become better leaders. Exactly, and so this is how powerful this is because at its root this is spiritual cleaning. This is not psychotherapy. You got to rescue all of those parts of you that are still stuck in the past burned with the emotional pain of getting bullied at school, sexually abused being made fun of, or you felt like you didn't matter. All those parts are just still frozen and old memories. You got to go and rescue those parts and come into the present with you.
Because these parts of you now transform into something positive and they get on the same sheet of music. And they become a part of your inner team, an orchestra member that's actually playing along with you. Because you want to go from point A to point B, you want to make the world a better place, well, you got to get rid of this inner conflict that's up here. And when you fully believe in yourself, when you're madly in love with yourself that's when your vibration changes, and that's when you attract all the people and the opportunities that you need in order to launch yourself into greatness.
Dr. Veronica: Fabulous. And we're going to be able to close right there. Before we close with Emily Filloramo give us the gift website again.
Emily: It's nonegativetalk.com.
Dr. Veronica: nonegativetalk.com, and the book is How to Permanently Erase Negative Self-Talk: So You Can Be Extraordinary. Emily's other website is bemoreextraordinary.com. Thank you so much Emily.
Emily: Thank you so much Dr. Veronica for having me on.
Dr. Veronica: Hey everyone. I want to really thank you so much for listening to my new podcast, Dr. Veronica's Wellness Revolution. I really enjoy helping others regain their health. So if this episode helps you, it can definitely help others. Do me a favor. Give us a five star review on iTunes to help me spread this message.
And because I really appreciate your help so much I will be giving away a $25 Amazon gift card each week to a random individual. Check the show notes of this episode for the details on how to win. Thank you so much. Take care.
Female VO: Thank you for listening to the Wellness Revolution Podcast. If you want to hear more on how to bring wellness into your life visit drveronica.com. See you all next week. Take care.